“I See Dead People”
Sorry if that was weird, but I’m sure it caught your attention. This is a famous quote from the 1999 movie “Sixth Sense” starring Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osmont. It’s an old movie, but a very good one and spoiler alert you’re going to hear about the plot here. Bruce Willis plays a highly regarded child psychologist who is working with a young boy who has a “sixth sense”, he sees dead people. The boy’s mother is naturally alarmed by this and has engaged the psychologist to help her son. But plot twist, at the end of the movie we learn that the psychologist was shot and killed by a mentally unstable client. The twist is the deceased psychologist has actually engaged with the boy so he can speak to his wife through him. He wants his wife to know how much he loved her, and he gets to do this through this boy’s ability to see and hear him.
A sixth sense is defined as “an ability to know something without using the ordinary five senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste”. It’s like when you just have that feeling that something bad is going to happen, or when you sense that someone needs you without them telling you. I had this happen to me yesterday. I got a text from a friend about wanting to get together. We had already talked about getting together for lunch a week ago so I thought she was just following up. But there was something in the “flatness” of her words that concerned me. For that reason, I scheduled something with her right away. We met and she broke into sobs.
Highly Sensitive People
There is a new term floating around called “highly sensitive people”or HSP. Obviously, this is not a new thing because it’s also called “empathic”, but the label and attention it’s getting is. You can take the quiz here to see if you fall into this category. Psychology today talks about it this way:
“Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, is a term coined by psychologist Elaine Aron. According to Aron’s theory, HSPs are a subset of the population who are high in a personality trait known as sensory-processing sensitivity, or SPS. Those with high levels of SPS display increased emotional sensitivity, stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—pain, hunger, light, and noise—and a complex inner life.”
I finally feel seen! In a society that places its highest values on being tough and productive and views being sensitive as a weakness, it feels validating to know more about the way many of us are wired. For me, having language to describe something that is real but not seen is so important. As most of you know if you’re reading this blog, it is so helpful to understand and have a language for what narcissism is and what the abuse looks like so we can validate ourselves and stop thinking we’re the crazy ones!
The research shows, and I also believe that narcissists are attracted to us HSPs. It’s a superpower that they don’t have. No capability. None. It’s the reason experts coined the phrase “narcissistic supply” which you can read about here. Our sensitive energy gives narcissists a few things:
The supply of our energy gives them fuel! They love our strong emotions and reactions because it gives them the feeling of power and control over us. Think about all the times your sensitivity was weaponized against you. It makes sense when you think about how this shows up in your relationship with a narcissist.
It gives them cover, especially with covert narcissists. Coverts narcissists hide behind your loving and caring image. It gives them even more charm because of how you present yourself.
It gives them a model. They can copy your caring emotions when they need to because they don’t have the empathy to do that on their own. They also use your empathy as their own even taking credit for the works of goodness that you do!
It’s a Superpower!
From my own experience, being sensitive was never seen as a positive thing. I, like so many people, were told to “stop being so sensitive” and to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps”. I tried to be tough on the outside, even if I was crumbling on the inside. For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. And then I asked myself “Who gets to decide if sensitivity is a weakness?” Usually, it was the people in charge, trying to get power, acting like they had all the right answers. But there was a reason my friend asked me to meet with her, and it wasn’t because I had that kind of power. I had something I think is better, I have a superpower. It is who I am. It’s in my DNA. It’s what makes me a good sister, a good friend, a good mother, and a good coach. It makes me a human being, not a human doing! It makes people feel seen, valued and connected which is the essence of being human.
But there is a dark side, and no, it’s not seeing dead people! The dark side is a kryptonite. Superman had one thing that rendered his superpowers useless and that was kryptonite. In the movie, this was an alien mineral that Superman couldn’t even get close to or he would be weakened. Turns out, everyone has a kryptonite to their own power. For example, a leader is weakened if she/he is indecisive. For an HSP, kryptonite comes in the form of an energy vampire, defined as a narcissist. Not only, will they consume your empathy but they will shame you for it so you are weakened. Does this sound familiar?
A narcissist is an actor of sorts. They are a shell of a human so the actor has to show up to get what they want. Actor’s aren’t real, genuine or authentic. Knowing this gives us HSP’s great insight. It’s the mindset shift that we need to protect ourselves and not give away our power. Putting boundaries around our superpower will protect it and allow us to use it for the people who deserve it, especially our own selves.
Coaching is a way to become aware of your superpower and how to protect it and use it for good. If you feel like you’re weakened by a narcissist’s kryptonite, please reach out to discover how you can reclaim your superpower!
“I am Superman. And the only thing that can kill Superman is Kryptonite. And Kryptonite doesn’t exist.”
