The Strategy of Intimidation
Snakes off a Plane
It’s a classic power play: using intimidation to spark fear and claim power. My gut reacted first when I saw the image of J. D. Vance and his entourage stalking toward Kamala Harris’ plane. The story could have used a trigger warning for anyone who’d experienced narcissistic abuse. How did it hit you?
Vice President, Kamala Harris was on Air Force 2 and had landed in Pennsylvania. She and her team were sitting in the airplane when Vance and his crew deplaned in an adjacent area. He felt entitled to walk across the tarmac to Air Force 2, ask to talk to the Vice President and request a tour of Air Force 2 as he wanted to see the inside of the future plane he would be traveling in. What? First of all, can you imagine deplaning, and from a security standpoint, be allowed to approach Air Force 2 or any plane for that matter? And what else could you call his action other than intimidation - being neighborly?
The media used the word “creepy” but did not seem to make the connection to a clear strategy of intimidation. I feel the need to because this is exactly the kind of behavior I encountered in my marriage and certainly in my high-conflict, protracted divorce. I’ll give you an example.
Narcissists Want Access
I had moved into my condo after my separation and because I didn’t have access to our accounts in my marriage, the court ordered my ex-husband to give me a certain amount of money each month. The problem was, he now had access to me. He would come to my house, peer into the front windows so he knew I could see him and tape a check to my front door. He knew what he was doing. Immediately, my attorney asked his attorney to please either mail the check or drop it off at either attorney’s office. But the checks kept being taped to my door. In preparation for a possible divorce hearing, my ex was deposed by my attorney. In an official, documented court proceeding, she asked him if he was aware that he was directed not to tape a check to my front door. He said he was aware of that. He also said I was “stealing” his money. It was one of several times my attorney saw through the ruse to the terror he meant to instill.
Label and Believe Your Emotions
After years of abuse, my body experienced his intimidation as terror. Abuse survivors are often afraid to use words like intimidation and terror because they’ve been gaslit so often around their feelings. We’re told that we’re being extreme and ridiculous which causes us to doubt what we’re feeling and certainly not talk about it to others for fear that other people would think we were extreme and ridiculous. But his power and control remained intact by my not speaking up and saying what my body was feeling. Reclaiming my power in each moment of interaction meant underscoring the belief that what my body was feeling - intimidation, fear and alarm - was absolutely true. It was a way to start validating myself again. That’s why this news story was so triggering to me. Although this time I didn’t want to shrink, I wanted to call the Secret Service and demand they escort him to an exit!
Does my story connect with anything you’ve experienced. If so, speak it out loud. Validate yourself. Tell people on your support team. Reach out if you would like to talk about ways you’ve felt intimidated and learn tools to stay regulated while standing your ground.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
