What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Understanding The Narcissism Spectrum
Narcissistic behaviors can range from healthy or “normal” traits to what we know as pathological or “clinical” narcissism. The spectrum below illustrates just how complex this personality disorder really is. If you believe you’re living with a narcissist, the information provided can be of great use to you.
Understanding narcissism and how to deal with narcissistic abuse shouldn’t be a battle you fight alone. Spin Cycle Coaching is here to help you heal.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): A Recognized Illness
Psychologically speaking, narcissism is a personality trait everyone possesses to some degree. Like any characteristic, it exists on a spectrum and we all fall somewhere along the narcissism continuum. In fact, a certain amount of self-centeredness is healthy.
“It was a relief to learn that there are terms and predictable traits that accompany the behavior I was experiencing.”
Types of Narcissistic Abuse
A narcissistic person can abuse people both emotionally and psychologically. One of the most common forms or signs of narcissistic abuse is Gaslighting. Gaslighting occurs when the abuser manipulates you by psychological means into questioning your own reality and sanity. They not only control the narrative, but they also rewrite it to suit their needs. Because of their fragile egos, they don’t want to be wrong and they avoid any accountability.
Other forms include, but are not limited to:
Dismissing or minimizing your feelings or concerns
Invalidating your values and beliefs
Projecting their traits on you to distract from their actions or behavior
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
When a malignant narcissist begins the spin cycle of abuse, it sets in motion three predictable phases:
Idealizing
Devaluing
Discarding
While you always have the option to forgive your abuser, you also don’t have to live with it. Learn how our trained coaches at Spin Cycle Coaching can support you through this trying process.
Narcissist Abuse Cycle Phase 1: Idealization or “Love Bombing”
In this stage, the narcissist is motivated to be kind and loving and appears to demonstrate compassion and concern. This is also called the “love bombing” phase. The narcissist showers their person of interest with attention, compliments, gifts, and wonderful love scenarios.
The dark side of this cycle includes lying, secrets, manipulation and exploitation. During this phase, individuals are groomed to accept this type of behavior and begin “supplying” the narcissist’s stock of control.
Narcissist Abuse Cycle Phase 2: Devaluation & Put-Downs
Over time, abusers start to show their true selves. When you ask for compromise, empathy, and boundaries the narcissist stops seeing you as the perfect person to fluff their ego feathers. At this point, they may start finding fault with your behavior and slip put-downs into the conversation. The insults start subtly and then escalate as an effort to control you.
Eventually, one of two things happens:
You are emptied and beyond exhausted. You have nothing left, no emotions or reactions left to supply them with ammunition. Or,
Your understanding of who and what they really are becomes clear. You begin learning to stop supplying the narcissist and set yourself free.
Either way, your utility to the narcissist has expired.
Narcissist Abuse Cycle Phase 3: Discarding
When you start asking for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, integrity, honesty, and boundaries (all healthy and valid requests that people with extreme narcissistic qualities generally do not engage in), the narcissist may decide that you have lost your luster and need to be replaced. No longer a source of supply, your utility has ended for the narcissist. And to further complicate things, covert narcissists can project the “discarding” onto you so they can appear to be the victim and walk away with clean hands.
The narcissist begins a cycle of egregious psychological and emotional manipulation, intentionally exploiting your vulnerabilities and hitting your trigger points. They invest zero effort in continuing to pretend they are in any way engaged with you.
Despite the pain you’re feeling, it will pass. You are meant for bigger, better things and one day you can look back on this chapter in your life and feel proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to let go.