Which Way is Up? Living in Upside Down World
I found it very helpful and healing to develop a language for what happened to me during my narcissistic marriage. Language and even analogies gave me a compass of sorts to understand what normal behavior is in a relationship vs. abnormal, albeit abusive behavior. I now believe I needed this because I was severely gaslit for many years and never told anyone; I didn’t know which way was up. I was also denying my own abuse because my ex-husband made certain that he told me often that the only form of abuse is physical. He was conditioning me to accept my toxic reality.
You are Responding Normally in an Abnormal World
When you’re still directly entwined with the narcissist, their strategy is to knock you off balance. They do this so they can steal your energy - feeding their empty soul. Tactics like gaslighting and scapegoating are the tools they use. When you gaslight someone, you directly deny their reality which leaves you feeling upside down. And when you’re scapegoated - always blamed for things that are not your fault - you wonder if you’re the crazy one! Either way, these psychologically abusive tactics are meant to destabilize and dismantle you. What you’re feeling is normal, but normal doesn’t fit in an abnormal world.
Which World Am I Living In?
Even if you cut ties with the narcissist, the which way is up feeling doesn’t go away quickly. You may still be exposed to the system of narcissism because you’re children live in it, or you may be exposed when you get together with a toxic family member on a holiday. I also describe this as the “Stranger Things” portal. The well known horror-drama television series is set in a small town in Indiana where a group of kids uncover terrifying supernatural forces when a young boy vanishes. The comparison for me is this normal well-adjusted life in a small town is on one side (me healing and living my new life) and the supernatural forces of darkness on the other (me forced to experience the narcissistic system). The visual helped steady myself. I felt like I was going through that dark portal whenever I experienced my children being in their father’s force field.
How Do You Get Right Side Up?
For me the first thing that helped was to create a name for the emotions I was feeling. So I started calling it my upside down world which helped process my confusing, disturbing and disorienting feelings. I wanted a couple of people in my trusted circle to understand my upside down world, so when I was in it, they could help “right” me. I told them what I needed to hear so I could stabilize and know what was normal. I think this can be especially helpful when the narcissist moves on and gets new supply; or has seemingly normal times with friends and family. I was so psychologically and emotionally abused, I just couldn’t understand why other people didn’t feel exactly the same way I felt around the narcissist. It was like seeing a devastating car crash that no one else sees. You desperately want other people to see it so you know it’s real and disturbing!
I have worked with many clients who also describe this strange feeling and connect to this phrase. Once you name it, you have more power to be able to stay right side up. If understanding your upside down world sounds helpful, please reach out.
“Emotions have been shared. Boundaries have been set. Order has been restored.” - Stranger Things
