The Power of Fear as a Tactic of Manipulation
Fear is our most powerful emotion. Just like all of our emotions, fear is present when it needs to tell us something. It sends a warning signal that danger is present. Fear may feel scary, but it is our protector, and as I’ve discussed in other posts, fear is the emotion that sends our sympathetic nervous system into fight/flight/freeze mode. When that response is triggered, we are rarely at a place to make our best decisions and choices because it neutralizes our critical thinking skills.
Fear is the Sharp Tool of the Narcissist
Through my own experience, and in working with many clients, I have also come to realize that fear is the classic, sharp tool of the narcissist. Their use of fear in so many instances is not to threaten us physically, but to take away our power and our agency. Looking more broadly, we have so many societal examples of leaders using fear as a way to keep their power over people. It obviously is very effective.
Another reason the narcissist loves to elicit fear is because they want our supply. Our fear and big response gives them energy! Weird, I know, but remember, narcissists have earned the nickname “energy vampires” for a reason. They siphon off our energy and consequently our power when we react. And our big reactions fill their tank. But if we become aware of this and work to close the valve disabling their siphoning tactics, we block them from our energy and our power. This is the reason the “gray rocking method” was introduced to people affected by narcissistic abuse. Please read more about gray rocking here.
Standing in Our Power
So is there a way to look at our fear differently when this happens? I believe there is, and with all new skills and tools, this takes some practice, but here is what I try to do when I feel my fight/flight/freeze response triggered:
I notice the fear I’m feeling and actually acknowledge it out loud to myself. By doing this, I disrupt my fight/flight/freeze response and create a pause. I’m also connecting with myself by staying embodied.
After the pause is created, I start getting curious about what the fear feels like, what it’s connected to, and if it’s helpful for my protection or if it is threatening my power. This process is also akin to using my wise minded practice which you can read about here.
I call up powerful imagery. We’ve all admired powerful characters in books, movies or TV series, images of characters that we can relate to and the strength they emulate. For me, this was the character of Daenerys Targaryen from the series Game of Thrones. Her power had been diminished by her abusive brother, but once she figured out that she was the Mother of Dragons, she started to stand firm in her own power. And the dragon behind her didn’t hurt either!
Once I’ve done these things, I’m in a better position to take action. I may even review my potential actions with a trusted member of my support team. This helps me with needed validation and also ensures that I don’t have a blind spot in my perspective.
Please reach out if you want to see how this process looks through the lens of coaching. It has been such a support for me as I started understanding my power and reclaiming it.
“You had the power all along my dear.” - Glinda, the good witch
