What Do You Do About a Smear Campaign?

I don’t think anyone stops to really think what a smear campaign looks and feels like until they are the target of one. Many of us, myself included, stop, listen and get a bit sucked into the drama. That’s the idea. It’s meant to be shock and awe and to hook its audience. It doesn’t just happen in our family and friend circles, it can happen at any time in our politics, businesses, churches, anywhere there is a division and a call to take a side. But once you’re a target of a smear campaign, you realize the immense pain, shame, and confusion this has on a person or a family.

Since a narcissist’s goal is to always remain in control, when they feel vulnerable and in danger of people seeing who they truly are, they use the diversion tactic of a smear campaign to take the spotlight off their abusive behaviors. Smear campaigns seem to come out of nowhere, but when we can get a higher level view, we often realize that the seeds of the campaign were planted ahead of the onslaught of the narrative. I realized later that my ex started planting seeds of lies in the discard phase of our relationship. Once I started to reclaim my own opinions, values and voice, he realized I might not go back into the small box he had created for me. Our way of existing was threatened and he needed a plan. The plan was to make himself look like the victim and me look like the toxic, crazy person.

Projections, Savior, and Playing Victim

A covert narcissist uses a clear strategy to gain support and alienate their victim. Narcissists are pathological liars so they project the opposite of reality and their own dysfunctions onto the victim. For example, in my story, the time I spent raising my children while they were little led to the narrative that I didn’t want to work and support the family. Using the same example, my ex played the savior by working day and night to support the family. By playing victim, the narcissist is able to portray the target in any way they want, further solidifying support from the people they’ve successfully brainwashed. Supporters tend to trust what they hear without fact-checking or using their critical thinking skills to sift through the information. Most of a narcissist's supporters think they’re helping a victim, but the true victim is further invalidated and the cycle of abuse continues.

So what should be done about a smear campaign? You have options including defending yourself or fighting back with your own negative story about the narcissist. In my experience, those options will lead to more misery.

So what’s wrong with defending yourself?

Nothing. It’s natural to defend yourself against the deceit and lies about your character. The problem with jumping to your own defense is that is part of the narcissist’s strategy. We start to spiral about what is being said about us, and in defending ourselves, we give away our power and look unhinged which plays into the narrative. The narcissist remains in control and enjoys the energy they get from seeing us react to what’s being said about us. Like many other patterns of a narcissist, we play a part in the toxic cycle by entering in to protect ourselves. We need to keep even a toe out of this spin cycle if we are to survive the repercussions of a smear campaign.

Rise Above and Take Control

Our best strategy is to first breathe, remain as calm as possible, and don’t act defensively. We can’t do anything of value when we aren’t emotionally regulated. By remaining in control and neutral about what’s being said about you, the spotlight is actually turned back on the narcissist. You appear above the smallness of what’s being said about you. It may take a bit of time, but the negative attention will shift back to the narcissist, and they will ultimately lose control over the narrative.

A powerful way to take an active role in what’s being said about you is to take stock of the people that have been reeled into the smear campaign. If it’s not a person you want contact with, let their opinions fall to the ground. If people you care about tell you what’s being said about you, try to engage their critical thinking skills. Ask them what they think and what they know to be true about you. You can acknowledge the difficulty of the situation, but you can also express that you will not engage in the drama of the negative speak. You stand in your own power as a grown-up when you do this, further emphasizing who is acting in childish ways.

Last, get support from your team, even if it’s one or two people. We all need the love and support of those we are closest with when we’re involved in a smear campaign. Being vulnerable with those people will deepen the bond you have which is always a win!

If you would benefit from the support of a coach during this time, we are here, and we have experience with smear campaigns and false narratives. Please reach out.

“If you don’t like something, just take away its only power. Your attention.”