My Story of Financial Abuse
The spectrum of financial abuse can range from a partner taking advantage of your generosity without giving anything in return all the way to a partner controlling, restricting and withholding the use of finances. The latter is my story.
Looking back at the financial abuse in my 25 year marriage, I can see the incremental, insidious nature in which it happened. As I began to understand all the different abuses that happened in my marriage, it occurred to me that the societal messages I received as a young girl provided the fertile ground for financial abuse.
The message that I needed to rely on my husband to meet my financial needs was embedded into me at an early age. My father didn’t think his girls could be financially independent. I was told that I should go to college, but the most important thing was to find a husband who could keep me financially secure. At the time I didn’t acknowledge or question the validity of needing to be taken care of by a husband. But what I see now is that this message definitely conditioned me to believe I couldn’t make as much money as a man and that I was not capable of managing money in a way that I would be financially stable.
I Thought He was Just Taking Care of Me
After we were married, my ex asked me to give him my paycheck so that he could be the money manager, and I thought he was just taking care of me. He told me he would give me the money I needed every month. But we had a very different idea of what I needed every month. There was no discretionary income. Instead of questioning this, I chalked it up to the message that I was conditioned to believe (without my permission) - I was not capable of managing money in a way that I would be financially stable.
After our honeymoon, we came home and he saw a credit card bill in my name in the amount of $1600. Most of this balance was for items relating to our wedding. He exploded, and I had never seen this before. He screamed at me, picked up a kitchen chair and threw it across the room, splintering it into several pieces. That was all the information I needed. I was terrified by his rage, and I never wanted to see that behavior again. The honeymoon was literally and figuratively over. It was also the day that I surrendered my credit card to him.
He gave me $100 per week in cash, and I needed to use that for groceries, prescriptions, all personal incidentals, meals for myself…anything for myself. If we went out to dinner, I was encouraged to buy an inexpensive item. He openly complained how much everything cost, so I learned to cope by staying in the lines as much as I could. Even on our honeymoon he asked me why I needed to eat breakfast when I could wait to eat lunch. I look back on this now and appropriately gasp. That’s when my younger self started to shrink and live in fear, scared of the anger, and wanting to be the pleaser.
This pattern continued even after we had our two children. I would only have cash, so I often had to put groceries back at the checkout counter because I didn’t have enough money to pay for them. I was fortunate to be offered a job when my youngest went to first grade, and I was able to earn money and still be home when my children were out of school. I wanted to be home when my kids were home, especially since my daughter had special needs. I made enough money to pay for the things we needed and wanted, especially for my kids. My children caught onto the fear and scarcity around spending money, and they expressed concern when they needed the most basic items, like shoes. The insidiousness of this form of psychological abuse became the dark secret in which we lived.
Financial Abuse is Insidious and Incremental
Being a victim of financial abuse is like being the frog in the pot of water. The heat keeps getting turned up slowly and the frog doesn’t notice it until right before it boils and jumps out to safety. That’s what is was like for me. The financial control started with basic household items, but it started to permeate every area of our lives. One of the most difficult experiences was when my husband refused to pay for my daughter’s therapies, so I explored community resources and was able to get her some of the things she needed. My husband didn’t have to see a bill. I got some relief when I started working again. I got my own check book and credit card, and I’m happy to say I managed them quite well. I was good at “work arounds”.
Late in the marriage, and when I was thinking of getting out, I realized something much bigger: I had NO idea what our assets were. I never saw a financial statement, including tax statements. I knew we were financially secure but never saw an investment document. I never knew he had opened accounts in my name, hoping to avoid liability from his business interests. My time was spent managing the kids, the household, and my work. Because I was consumed, because I was fearful, and because I was told I couldn’t manage money, I had become totally unaware.
When a financial abuser loses control or power over money, the rage and utter craziness begins. This was the start of a long road for me. But this frog asked for help and got the resources she needed to stay out of the pot of boiling water.
If you can see yourself in some of the details of my story or if you’re experiencing red flags related to financial abuse, the best thing you can do is to confide in a safe person. This dark secret needs to be exposed so the unraveling can begin. Please reach out if you want to bring this into the light with one of our coaches. We can help you navigate the next right step.
