Gaslighting around Hidden Abuse
When I was growing up the word abuse was primarily related to behavior that left visible harm, such as physical, alcohol or drug abuse. At the time, we didn’t understand hidden abuse. Hidden abuse may not leave an obvious trace, but it fits the definition of “using something for a bad purpose, mistreat or injure.” Covert abuse manifests in a variety of ways, from psychological and emotional to spiritual and financial.
Gaslighting is a form of hidden abuse in which the abuser uses psychological manipulation to sow self-doubt and confusion in their target’s mind. After years of coaching people affected by hidden abuse, I have seen the pattern of an abuser gaslighting the target, so they either don’t believe they are being harmed, or are belittled and dismissed for feeling like they are.
We know that narcissists are masters at masking themselves to cover who they really are inside. They can portray a charming, gentle, caring outward image to the outside world while treating those they are close to in abusive ways. The secondary abuse of gaslighting happens when narcissists use their honed skills to convince someone that without physical proof of abuse, the target is crazy for thinking that anything harmful is happening. Knowingly or not, narcissists pre-meditate their defense against their abusive behaviors to either make themselves feel like they’re not abusive or to keep their targets quiet so as to preserve their image. Does this sound familiar to you?
Before I knew that I was being abused in all sorts of hidden ways, my ex would discount and make fun of anyone who used the term abuse when it related to anything other than physical abuse. I disagreed with him in silence so as to avoid a heated and belittling discussion, but what I know now is that he was sowing the seed of doubt in me that the ways he treated me were not abusive. I can clearly see why his reaction was so vitriolic when presented with other possibilities of abuse. It would call out his abusive behaviors and patterns.
The interesting thing is I didn’t know it was toxic until I left. I thought I was being patient and tolerant, not realizing I was accepting abuse.
I heard over and over that I was being overdramatic and crazy for talking about emotional abuse, that there was no such thing. I have to be honest and tell you that there were many times the voice in my head echoed my ex’s statements about what abuse is and isn’t. This man who had no true ability to care for and love me as a partner was in my head. His words were what I was giving back to myself. It’s indoctrination at best, and at its worse, its complete brainwashing. His gaslighting had taken away my ability to trust myself, to validate what was truly going on.
We have to start naming it for what it is: mistreatment, harm, disrespect - Abuse.
One of the reasons I do narcissistic abuse coaching is because I developed the ability to say “no more” when it came to the gaslighting of hidden abuse. I started to own what I knew to be true, he was abusive. This can happen within a toxic relationship or once you leave a toxic relationship.
What coaching can do is help you become aware of hidden abusive behaviors and patterns, and the part you can change and take control of in the relationship. Reach out to us if any of this rings true for you. Put an end to the gaslighting of hidden abuse. We can help you move forward in what you know to be true.
