Trusting Yourself After Hidden Abuse
We all live with self-doubt. I believe we are often socialized to question our choices, actions and decisions because we are conditioned to believe other people, especially those in authority over us, before we believe ourselves. From our website, I hear so many of these questions and statements including: “Am I going crazy?”, “Could I be the Narcissist?”, “Why do I want to go back after I leave the relationship?”, “Maybe my partner is right, and I’m to blame”, “My partner says I’m the one gaslighting in our relationship” and so much more. This makes sense for all of the psychological abuse we've been through and for the way we've been conditioned to think. Let’s connect some dots so we gain insight on how and why this has happened in the context of a narcissistic relationship.
People pleasers are taught to look outward to see what other people want, rather than inward to their own feelings and wants.
If you were raised in an environment where you were socialized to please other people before yourself, you’re at greater risk for not being able to trust yourself. People pleasers are taught to look outward to see what other people want, rather than inward to their own feelings and wants. Of course we all will need to put others first at times, especially if there is a health or safety issue or with our young children. But looking outward first becomes the default for people pleasers.
Introduce a narcissist into the equation, and the toxic layer of manipulation is added. We are lied to, gaslit, blamed, criticized and shamed into not looking inward and trusting ourselves. We either lose the ability to look inward or we might not even remember a time in our lives when we did this. And even if you don’t consider yourself a people pleaser, ongoing psychological manipulation can indoctrinate you into not believing yourself. The good news is it is never too late to learn this very important human ability. If you have children, this is the time not only to model this, but to teach them how to put this skill into practice.
Learn to look inward rather than outward.
Our thoughts create emotions and our emotions can become conditioned. If a psychologically abusive person can manipulate us into thinking we may be wrong, crazy, or the one causing the problem, we will start living in self doubt and won't embody our authority. We need to create new thoughts because thoughts are our power. In the moment when you're feeling a lack of trust in yourself, try the following:
1) Recognize the emotion.
2) Allow it into your body and find out where you're feeling it. Try to breathe through it. Emotions are clues. Bring curiosity. Ask yourself what you were thinking that brought up that feeling. What was the story you were telling yourself?
3) Look inward. When we stop and explore what’s inside of ourselves, we can start to identify that this is the same feeling we get when are own experiences are dismissed or denied. Then ask yourself if you want to think differently. What are the alternatives? What do I know to be true about myself and this situation?
Believe yourself first.
We are working to break the old, negative conditioned thoughts and create thoughts that are new and powerful because they are true, and we can believe them. We can believe ourselves. We can trust ourselves.
If you want to work on building your way back to trusting yourself and need support, please reach out. We will walk this road with you as you learn to trust yourself and stand in your own power.
