Narcissistic Family Systems, a Godfather Model

Family systems theory is defined as “a theory of human behavior that define the family unit as a complex social system, in which members interact to influence each other's behavior.” There are various types of family structures including nuclear, single parent, extended, childless, step family, and grandparent family. But within all structures exists a family system, including a narcissistic family system. You may not know you’re in one until you educate yourself after becoming disheartened and frustrated with the dysfunction within one of your family structures. I have received lots of emails from people asking if they could be the dysfunctional one in a family system, which is another way of saying ‘this family is crazy and toxic, but if everyone is like this, am I the one with the problem?’

An extreme example of this kind of system exists in the classic movie, The Godfather. The structure within the mafia highlights the way a system operates in a way that keeps everyone psychologically, emotionally, and physically safe. In order to maintain the balance within the narcissistic family, there are unspoken rules of engagement that all family members must abide by.

Acceptance Is Conditional

The narcissist, either patriarchal or matriarchal, monitors acceptance within the family. All children must comply with the family narrative and value system. Expressions of difference are rejected and pathologized. At a minimum, children will be made to feel “lesser than” and shamed when compliance to family views and beliefs aren’t maintained. Some family members can be outcast for not “fitting in”. To complicate matters further, extended family through marriage or other partnerships will also experience conditional acceptance.

Submission Is Required

Everyone in the system is expected to submit to the dominant narcissist’s authority, no matter how ignorant, arbitrary, cruel, or destructive it is. Lack of submission always brings consequences for those within the system. In addition to being psychologically damaging, the people in the system without power can develop a hidden code of secrecy. Lying and withholding become the norm in order to avoid the wrath of the narcissist.

Someone Must Be Blamed for Problems

When something bad happens, from a lost job to an incidence of road rage or even a broken vase, someone must be blamed for it. Many times there is a family scapegoat who is made to take the blame for the narcissist’s or the family’s problems. Scapegoats are typically the family members that are weaker at advocating for themselves or who have called out the toxic behaviors and patterns within a system.

You Must Take Sides

For a narcissistic person there are always two sides, and if you are not on the dominant narcissist’s side you are wrong and will be blamed and shamed. It is black or white, and there is only the narcissist’s way of doing anything. Children often feel forced to choose between parents, siblings, and other family members.

Feelings Are Wrong

If someone in the family system expresses feelings, especially when the narcissist’s actions have hurt them, their feelings are deemed untrue. The feelings that make us human cannot be wrong or incorrect. Our feelings should help us connect and express our wants and needs. We begin to feel like we can’t be vulnerable and share our feelings for fear of retribution, including having our feelings weaponized against us. Only the narcissist’s feelings are valid and true. They are allowed to react emotionally, even irrationally and explosively, and make demands to be heard and understood.

Deniability Must Be In Place

In order to exist in any peaceful way, deniability of the toxic structure must be maintained by everyone. To call it out isn’t safe. This presents a problem for people supporting each other when they are emotionally or psychologically abused by the narcissist. Deniability breeds mistrust and everyone is further harmed because of the toxic system that’s in place.

Coaching holds space to look at this system from a higher level. New discoveries are made in how to operate in a healthier way, set boundaries, and even move out of the system temporarily or permanently. Please reach out to explore how this could open up a new path for you.

“Fredo—you’re my older brother, and I love you. But don’t ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever.” - Michael Corleone, The Godfather