How to Self-Preserve in a Narcissistic Relationship
I work to meet my clients where they are when we enter the coaching process. Some clients are just starting to recognize their partner’s toxic behaviors and patterns but don’t have language for it. Other clients have researched narcissism and know a bit about what they’re dealing with. I talk with people who have had short and long term relationships with a narcissist. Many people are still in a marriage or partnership and seek help for how to get out but many people aren’t at the point of leaving and want to learn how to navigate a toxic relationship.
Coaching is never about judgement of where you are on your path, it’s about meeting you where you are to increase awareness either by digging deeper into what you’re going through or learning new tools to stay out of toxic cycles (spin cycles). When I talk with clients who want to stay in their relationship, we often work on self-preservation strategies.
How Do You Preserve Yourself in a Toxic Relationship?
Trying to protect yourself when being involved in a relationship with someone high on the narcissistic spectrum is incredibly tricky. Narcissists tend to know quickly when you’re onto their games which might increase their toxicity or need for control. I’m not suggesting entering into their game playing, I’m suggesting finding ways to disengage and protect your emotional energy. And I’m suggesting this because you may currently be trying to stay in a harmful relationship, which people do for many legitimate reasons.
Acknowledge and diffuse rather than emotionally engage. This can be hard for empathic people to do, but it's the right shift for conserving your emotional energy and not getting drained. So rather than responding to an emotionally charged comment, saying something like "that sounds hard for you"acknowledges their comments without engaging. This is always my go to for not getting hooked into a spin cycle or to avoid taking on someone else's emotional experience. This requires detaching yourself from anything you could take personally. You might say “I see that you’re angry.” or “I have heard you say that on a number of occasions.” The goal is to bring down the temperature by calmly making acknowledging statements. It’s important to remember that you’re not agreeing, you’re acknowledging. In a way, this is a form of gray rocking. I have found it more useful because even a narcissist wants acknowledgement. They want to be heard. And if they are, the situation may resolve more quickly than just appearing uninteresting (as a gray rock).
Use transactional "cause and effect" language. This technique is good to use with black and white thinkers, which most narcissists are. For instance, when you’re planning something and know that your partner may not respond to your invitation or that he/she most likely will be late, using cause and effect language is the way to draw a hard boundary. So instead of saying "I feel hurt when you show up late to the things I plan.", you might say "Dinner is at 6 and you are welcome to join us, but I am leaving the house at 5:45.".
Work to regulate your central nervous system. When you exist in a toxic environment, you’re actually taking toxins into your body. When your flight or flight response is chronically activated, you can suffer from decreased immunity and other health problems (heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure, sleep and GI problems). And don’t forget your mental health such as depression, chronic anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. Learning and practicing breathing and other emotional regulation techniques will help reduce the time from the stressful event where the body floods with the stress hormone, cortisol, to the time when the body begins to restore and repair itself.
Give the narcissist wins. I know this sounds like game playing, but allowing the Narcissist to achieve what they want in certain situations will give them the supply that they crave and may lower the temperature. I don’t suggest this in all situations, but if you’re committed to stay in this environment, you may find this a helpful strategy.
Keep your head high and walk forward. What I mean by this is if your partner ignores, dismisses or doesn’t include you in a conversation, then ignore and walk away. For instance if your partner stops to talk to people at a restaurant and doesn't introduce you or include you in the conversation, excuse yourself and head to your table, stop at the bar, call a friend or stop at the restroom. Your presence is not required when you are made to feel not a part of something. Honor yourself and walk away.
Lean into your support network. Call someone and ask for what you need. It might be that you need to vent or it may be helpful to ask someone to breathe with you or take a walk. The important thing is to ask for what you need in a way that it can be given.
Lean into your Coach and/or Therapist who understands narcissism. Being in the spin cycle leaves us feeling upside down and not attached to our reality. It is difficult to validate your own reality when living in such a confused state. If this is the case, ask for a check in if needed.
Continuing to live in a psychologically abusive environment is harmful to our brains and central nervous systems. I understand not being ready or able to leave a system where this abuse is present, but girding ourselves up under these conditions is vitally important to our mental and physical health. We can tailor self-preservation strategies to your situation and environment. Please reach out if this sounds like it might be helpful.
Self-preservation is the only way to survive with your soul intact.
