Can I Trust Again?

I have asked myself so many times why I didn't pay attention to the red flags in my narcissistic relationship, and how I could possibly trust myself again as I navigate a new relationship. You may be actively asking yourself this question or you may be avoiding the question entirely, swearing off any new relationship. I get that too!

I’ve done a lot of work around the idea of red flags in relationships. The truth is I did see the red flags. I know now that my body was being true to me and warning me with feelings like: insecurity, sadness, disrespect, not being seen or heard, not prioritized, not valued, etc., and on and on. Our bodies can’t lie to us. They are designed with signals that protect us physically and emotionally. So why didn’t I listen to them? I understand now that I was socialized, I’ll even use the work indoctrinated, to accept poor treatment in intimate relationships. Here are a few ways I was socialized in my own life.

Family Systems of Origin

We’ve come along way from my teenage, early 20s years where our culture was much more patriarchal, from the work place to religious sectors to our own family systems. Women slipped right into the role of being submissive, putting aside their own wants and needs. The word “selfless” was designated as a badge of honor that women strived for in all areas of their lives. I was one of 4 girls in my family. I saw my mother give and give and give. It seemed like it left her as an empty shell. My father even used the word “doormat” to describe her. When I would ask her why certain things didn’t bother her as a woman, she would say “I just had to put that aside.” She put everything aside, and I believe it was part of a barrier of emotional unavailability between us. I also know it modeled for me what to expect in a relationship, what to put up with, and the hidden rule of abandoning yourself. And if the partner is narcissistic, you end up putting up with a lot of abuse.

Religious Sectors

I grew up in evangelical christian culture. The infrastructure of patriarchy wasn’t discussed and was shrouded around Scripture. I was a leader and a teacher in women’s studies. But when I formed a bible study with teenage boys, including my son, I was told that I had crossed a line. I was teaching men and that was scripturally unsound. So, I could raise my son in the ways of God, but I couldn’t teach him or his friends about the Word of God. As I describe things now, that was a big head tilt! I continued teaching those boys, but I felt ashamed that I was told to stand down. I felt ashamed. Not them. I didn’t know it then, but I think that feeling of shame was a warning signal. Power and control over someone can breed shame in the person being dominated. Power and control sounds familiar, like narcissism.

Listening to Your Knowing

So what does that all mean in the context of being able to trust again in a new relationship? Well, I’m noticing and paying better attention to my body and my feelings. I wrote down how I wanted a person I was with to make me feel: Seen, heard, loved, cared for, prioritized and valued. Valued for all of me, not in the way that I can serve them. I also did some work on my core values and which ones had to be in alignment with a new partner. With that information, I learned how to turn inward and pay attention to what my feelings were telling me. You can call it intuition or knowing. But if it’s coming from a response our body is having, it’s true. Unlike our mind, our body can’t tell us emotional stories, but in order to get that truth, we have to notice, pay attention, and believe ourselves first and last.

Being a part of a narcissistic relationship is confusing and dizzying (the spin cycle). If you want to do some work around building trust, understanding your own knowing and standing in your truth, please reach out for a complimentary consultation.

“I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.”
― Glennon Doyle, Untamed