Coercive Control
When we talk about narcissistic abuse, we often talk about the toxic patterns of gaslighting, love bombing and devaluation, but the other form of abuse we need to talk about is coercive control. Many people only think of the language of coercive control when they hear about cults in the news. Of course there has to be a lot of coercion and indoctrination when someone is blinded and enters a cult. But how can coercive control apply outside of a group dynamic? I’ve come to learn that I was indoctrinated through coercive control just like the people who entered a cult. Let’s start with identifying what coercive control is and how it is used in an intimate relationship.
Coercive Control is a strategic form of ongoing psychological and emotional abuse that is based on power, control, manipulation and oppression. Coercive control is associated with and fueled by narcissism and trauma bonding because of the intermittent positive and negative reinforcement. A hallmark tactic of coercive control is to limit a person’s sense of autonomy. This can be done by eroding their self-esteem, isolating them, restricting access to money, transportation or people, accusing or spying on them, and finding fault in their interests, friends and family. The goal of the narcissist is to make a person become reliant on them financially, emotionally, and psychologically. Is any of this starting to sound familiar?
When we accept love bombing, we’ve accepted the beginning of the manipulation.
In the cycle of narcissistic abuse the love bombing stage often feels magical, almost too good to be true. In reality, the period of love bombing is just the first stage of coercive control. It’s a very tasty carrot to a very big stick. It works most of the time unless you are able to believe your intuitions and proceed with awareness and caution.
As the control continues, we lose our autonomy and sense of ourselves. Our compliance is rewarded when we fall in line with their need for control. We may receive praise and compliments for losing/gaining weight, for wearing certain clothing, watching certain tv shows, or even sticking to a certain sleep schedule. I want to emphasize the insidious and incremental way in which coercive control is introduced, that’s the nature of indoctrination and brainwashing. Once we’ve had enough intermittent reinforcement, we start to please so we feel safe, but we stay in survival mode, flooding our nervous systems with cortisol because we’re in a constant state of fight or flight.
A Cult of Two
When we hear the word cult, we may think of terrorist groups or religious fanatics. I prefer to use the words “high control group” because it demystifies the word cult and breaks it down to what is really going on at the core of coercive control. We don’t need to sell all of our possessions and live in a remote mountain commune to be in a cult. A cult can be two people. All you need is the narcissist and any person that has fallen prey to their coercive control. It starts with what the victim thinks is a special or great thing that’s being added to their life. It can be as simple as a narcissistic parent giving more positive attention to a child. That’s why children of narcissistic parents are so susceptible to parental alienation. The child may have never gotten praise or positive attention from the abusive parent, so when the abusive parent needs to use them to hurt the target, the child can be easily indoctrinated. Parenting is also a perfect setup for a narcissist to dominate and exert their control because children are reliant on parents for all of their physical and emotional needs. It is an absolute abuse of power and it is cruel and harmful.
The Antidote to Coercive Control
Coercive control is hidden abuse. There may be no signs of overt harm. This can lead a target to question whether or not they are actually being abused (even gaslighting themselves). Hidden abuse happens in the dark, behind closed doors. The antidote for darkness is light.What we can do is open the door and bring it into the light. Talk out loud and ask questions so you can be validated. Talk to a family member or a trusted friend who is not only a good listener, but is someone that will speak truth and not say what will make you feel better. Go see a therapist or a coach, even for a consultation, so you know what you might be dealing with, and to help validate your experience. Just take the next right step. I did and it made all the difference. Please reach out if we can be the person you talk out loud to.
You cannot ask the darkness to leave; you must turn on the light.
