The Theory of Betrayal Blindness
Dr. Jennifer Freyd, one of the seminal researchers on the issue of betrayal trauma, has coined the term “betrayal blindness.” Betrayal blindness is not allowing yourself to see what is going on, to connect the dots, or to fully engage with reality, because if you did, the information would threaten your relationship with the person who is most important to you. - Center for Relational Recovery
I experienced so much awareness when I heard about and researched the theory of Betrayal Blindness. And for me, awareness was the beginning of understanding, acknowledging, and accepting what happened to me in my abusive marriage. I couldn’t access this awareness until I was ready to see it, and I had the language to understand it. Without language we can get stuck in anger and shame towards ourselves for letting this happen. We are in a state of cognitive blindness which is defined as the inability to understand something due to the lack of knowledge, understanding or belief in a necessary fundamental concept.
Becoming Aware
I believe that it was even harder to understand the betrayal I experienced because of the ongoing psychological abuse which distorted the view of my own reality. I knew that there were problems in my marriage. I knew there were dark secrets in my family system including gaslighting, extreme control, blame shifting, disrespect and devaluing. I didn’t want others to know about these behaviors. I didn’t want to acknowledge it because if I fully saw and accepted this, I might have to make a big change, and I wasn’t ready for that. So I minimized the abuse and normalized it as a part of what relationships and families go through. I admit that when I saw the behaviors of healthy relationships I realized how different and unhealthy my relationship had become. I remember feeling like people would think there was something wrong with me if they knew how I accepted the way in which I was treated. I felt sad when I became aware of my need to betray myself, because I wasn’t the one that should be carrying that guilt and shame. I was not the problem.
Nothing is Wrong with You
I often tell clients about a book I read by Bruce D. Perry, MD, PhD and Oprah Winfrey titled What Happened To You?. Even the title creates a shift in thinking and perspective which I firmly believe targets of narcissistic abuse need to receive. The shift comes in the realization that there is nothing wrong with us but that something happened to us. We were groomed and experienced ongoing trauma and we survived. You may not receive this mindset shift all at one time, but continuing to reframe your experience through this lens is a pathway to understanding, self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Shining light on dark things is eye-opening, a way to become unblind.
Most of my sadness has been replaced by a healthy, empowered sense of me. I won’t blame her anymore for what happened to her. I sometimes use the line from the movie Good Will Hunting where the main character played by Matt Damon becomes aware of his internal demons and attachment issues and decides he wants to pursue the love interest he let go. He says at the end of the movie “I’m gonna go and see about a girl.” And now I say that about my own self because she means everything to me and I won’t betray her.
Coaching is the process of building awareness and becoming sighted again. And building awareness is the only real opening for sustainable and meaningful change. Coaching is not intended to give you advice or push you towards one direction. It’s holding an issue in front of you as if it was a prism, and we look at this and turn in all directions. It’s a powerful process. If you would find this helpful, please reach out for a session.
”Awareness is the greatest agent for change.” - Eckhart Tolle
