Boundaries: Ready, Set, Maintain
I grew up with 3 older sisters. Because I was the youngest, I always had to share a bedroom with another sister. As with most families, siblings get along sometimes and go to war at other times. The reason doesn’t matter (and there were many!), but we knew when the “imaginary” line was crossed. During a war, this made sharing a space difficult. At one point, after an exceptionally heated battle, my sister and I would decide we needed more than an “imaginary” line in our room. We needed an actual “battle line”, a clear and defined marker limiting each other’s access to one side of the bedroom. We put actual tape on the carpet so there would be no confusion where the line was. This became our boundary to preserve ourselves when we needed to. So we knew we were ready for a boundary, and we were able to successfully set the boundary, but how was the boundary actually maintained. Maintaining the boundary is the tricky but most important part, especially with a toxic narcissist because they thrive on power and control. If only using tape to hold a boundary with them would work.
Are you ready for a boundary?
This can depend a lot on your personality type. But for the sake of context in dealing with a toxic person, you should always be ready to set a boundary. Toxic individuals dislike boundaries because they know these are attempts to control their abusive behavior, and let’s face it, that’s the antithesis of what they want. They’re always looking for ways to gain control and power, not have limits placed on it. A boundary should be set when any behavior or pattern feels abusive, manipulative, disrespectful, or goes against your core values. Those feelings are there to be the signposts for boundary setting. Rely on them, listen to them, act on them.
Have you set a boundary?
For someone who is a people pleaser, setting boundaries is more difficult. When a Narcissist pushes back hard against a proposed boundary, we can find ourselves shrinking and avoiding setting boundaries altogether. This is not a judgment about people pleasers, it’s just a reality based on how we were formed as a person. When we move away from a proposed boundary just one time, the message is clear to the abusive person: I can overpower your boundaries every time. Setting boundaries can be our kryptonite so we have to be aware, stand in our power and get support if needed. This is especially important if we are dealing with someone experienced in gaslighting. This person will expertly turn the situation around if a boundary is presented to them, leaving you feeling confused and disoriented about what happened and if you should have been setting a boundary in the first place.
So how do you maintain a boundary?
1. Don’t justify, explain, or defend yourself.
Build a firewall around yourself by not sharing personal information with the narcissist. As you may have experienced, Narcissists are experts at taking personal information about someone they’re trying to control and using it against them. This can cause you to second-guess yourself or feel intimidated. The result: we back away from our boundary, and then realize later that they crossed it again.
Instead of justifying, explaining or defending, you can acknowledge what they’re saying. If a narcissist criticizes you, you can say something like “I hear you don’t agree with me.” If they question your actions or demand an explanation, you can say “I feel confident in my decision.”, “That’s personal”, or “I know you don’t agree, but this is my final decision.” This takes practice. So go ahead and practice with one of your supporters. Desensitizing by exposure is a proven way to overcome our fears and gain good emotional regulation when facing our anxieties.
2. Leave when it feels chaotic, hurtful or toxic.
You don’t need anyone's permission to exit a destructive interaction. And you don’t need an excuse to leave. You simply can say you need to leave to attend to something else, basically your own sanity!
As you gain practice with this you may become comfortable confronting this unhealthy behavior head-on by saying something like, “I am going to excuse myself. We can talk another time when you are ready for a constructive conversation,” or, “This is not healthy. I will not participate in this kind of dialogue.”
3. Decide ahead of time what you will tolerate and what you won’t.
A key component of setting healthy boundaries is knowing when to say no, and doing so. What behaviors do you consider acceptable and what are not. For example, you may be okay with some light teasing unless it crosses over to making fun of something in a hurtful way. Or you may be okay with someone expressing a different opinion but not when when there is name calling or it looks more like bullying.
One way of drawing the line is to say, “If you continue to call me names, I will end our conversation until you are willing to treat me with respect.” You don’t need to explain further. If a narcissist’s aggressive behavior continues, leave or hang up. Refuse to engage in further interaction, no matter what they do or say.
Once you’ve set a boundary, be prepared for the narcissist to throw a temper tantrum. They will default to bad behaviors like blame shifting, minimizing, dismissing your feelings, gaslighting by trying to make you feel crazy, playing the victim, or saying you’re too sensitive. Some malignant Narcissists will also become rageful so have a plan to exit or get help before that happens. The message has to be clear to a Narcissist that your boundaries are not up for discussion.
4. Consider strategic questioning.
A powerful way to get someone to disengage from an aggressive conversation, especially one that is taking the focus off of your boundary setting, is to turn the table by asking, open-ended questions that focus on the Narcissist. We know the Narcissist loves to focus on themselves so use this to your advantage. When they are complaining about something, ask them how they have handled a similar situation in the past. Or ask them about a time when it was important for them to say no to something and how they handled it. This won’t help the Narcissist see why your boundary is important, but it is a distracting technique that can de-escalate a toxic encounter.
5. Psychologically abusive tactics are powerful.
High spectrum narcissism is a powerful psychological phenomenon based on distorted views of self and others along with a tremendous need for power and control. Their abusive tactics are unnerving and if you’ve been in a long-term relationship with a Narcissist you may have accepted their unhealthy behavior because addressing it is too overwhelming. Be compassionate with yourself. Good boundary-setting takes time. After every encounter, identify what you may need to do differently the next time and then practice so you feel more confident.
6. Maintaining boundaries requires consequences. Just as children need consequences for their bad behavior, Narcissists must have consequences if they ignore your boundaries. Be clear in your mind ahead of time what you are prepared to do if your boundary is crossed. And when it is, implement your chosen consequence immediately. Every. Single. Time.
One of our coaches can support you either in helping you identify what boundaries need to be in place or how you maintain them. Let’s practice together! Contact us today.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
