Relationship Red Flags, Be Warned
When we think about psychologically abusive behaviors we most often talk about gaslighting, projection, manipulation, blame shifting and devaluing. Let’s take a look at red flag behaviors we are wise to pay attention to, especially early into a relationship.
Teasing and Joking
Have you ever heard someone say something unkind or hurtful and then quickly interject with “I was just teasing” or “I was just joking”. Uncovering the meaning of the words teasing and joking we find the true meaning: ‘to make fun of’, ‘mock’, ‘taunt’, ‘bait’, ‘persecute’, ridicule’, ‘torment’. When a person, especially a family member, pokes us in the areas of our beliefs, values or personal pain, we need to call it out for what it is: hurtful and unacceptable. If a person who teases or jokes in this way won’t honor your boundary by taking accountability for their hurtful actions and working to stop this behavior, this red flag should be waving right in front of your face!
Bullying
What an ugly word. The intention is to harm, intimidate or coerce, especially when vulnerable. There is no getting around this as a flaming red flag! The ideal time to act on this red flag is when a new relationship begins. If bullying isn’t called out immediately, the pattern will have a foothold to be established. If someone takes accountability for the bullying, is remorseful and sustains change, terrific. But bullying breeds because it has worked for that person before, either within their family or friend group. If bullying starts to show up in your family system or you see your child bullying or being a bystander to bullying someone, draw a firm line that this behavior is never okay and will not be tolerated. Kids bully for several reasons including an a unhealthy way of managing anger or copying bullying that they see at home. This may warrant support from a clinical therapist.
Dismissing Your Core Values
One of the things I wish I could have told my younger self was to pay attention to this red flag when my core values were dismissed as unimportant or stupid. Instead I would have had several conversations about core values when I was dating and getting serious in a relationship. We ask more about a 3-year car lease than agreeing to a lifetime relationship commitment. Get curious about your top 5 or 10 core values and how you want them to show up in your life. A core value of social justice or humanity might not line up well with a value of accumulating wealth, for instance. Ask a variety of questions and gain agreement to talk about your values at different stages of the relationship. In the case of the values of humanity and wealth, a good question might be “What portion of our disposable income will be designated for charitable giving? And how will we decide what organizations we give to?” Pay attention to see if your core values are affirmed and taken into consideration in a meaningful way.
Inflammatory Language
The Narcissistic Spectrum reveals higher level Narcissists possess semi-rigid and rigid traits including the behaviors of devaluing, diminishing, lacking empathy and possessing a strong sense of entitlement. These behaviors often go hand-in-hand with how the person speaks about others or situations. When power and control are threatened, a higher functioning Narcissist will start to use inflammatory language which may be aggressive and out of context. For instance if there is financial abuse in a relationship, and the one being abused accesses money without the Narcissist’s knowledge and permission, they might accuse the target of "stealing”. Or if a Narcissist loses a business deal, they might go into a verbal rage about how the other person “cheated” or “lied” to get the deal. Often, the use of inflammatory language goes along with extreme black and white thinking, a loss of power and control, and a strong need to be right.
Sadistic Behavior
A Clinical or Pathological Narcissist will often express very rigid traits including an absence of conscious, a pathological need for power and control, manipulation for profit or amusement, winning at all costs, and the enjoyment of inflicting emotional pain. These behaviors are typical of a serious mental health disorder. A clinical diagnosis of a Cluster B Personality Disorder would reveal Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Sociopathy or Psychopathy. This individual may actively try to alienate you from your children, stalk you with the intent of causing harm, leave you in financial ruin, and other serious pathological behaviors. If you see some of these traits surface in your relationship, be warned. Going no contact with this type of person or keeping them at a safe distance is the only sure way to stay safe and avoid harm and pain.
Our coaches are experienced in seeing and understanding red flags. Please visit our contact page if you want to look at any red flags showing up in your relationship.
