The Importance of Core Values
I’ve never been intentional about digging into my top core values and using them to guide my decisions and actions. But that’s why values exist, and it has been one of the best questions I’ve asked myself while healing from narcissistic abuse. It seemed like clearly defining my values was one of the ways I found my way back to myself, and in doing so, I was inspired to keep going when the going got tough.
I believe I knew I’ve always had a good value system. For instance I think I’ve always valued kindness and honesty. But after a period of insidious and intensifying psychological and emotional abuse, it’s easy to lose our identity which diminishes the importance of our core values. This is normal when you’re trying to survive in a toxic system. You contort and shrink in order to keep the peace, fit in, and hustle for your worth. We can get so lost in the abuse that we lose our identity which is tied to our values. Our identity gets chipped away bit by bit. This can happen in such small moments that you can’t always see it. But those small moments add up, and one day we wake up and see how we have become misaligned with our values.
Part of our healing journey must be to take back the goodness of our identity and core values. So let’s dive in to how we can do this.
It’s helpful to start with a comprehensive list of values. I have linked a list at the bottom of this page. Spend some time reviewing and circle the top 10 to 15 values that align with who you are. Get curious and ask yourself questions to help you come up with your list. You may find it helpful to consider the following:
What is important to you as you go through your day when you encounter situations, people, decisions and choices. Do you see patterns that lead you to one of your consistent values? Reflect on how you show up in your values at work and at home.
Consider the high and low moments in your life. For instance, if you were teased when you were growing up, maybe being non-judgmental is a key value for you. If you sold one of your art pieces or published an article, creativity maybe at the top of your list.
Think of a few of the people in your life that you admire. What do you admire about them? What stands out? Maybe you admire a close friend for her inclusiveness; a colleague for their kindness; a teacher for their active listening skills; or your sister for her openness.
Once you’ve identified your top 10 to 15 values, it’s time to narrow it down to the two key fundamental values where everything else is forged. As you scan your list, ask yourself if it is a value that defines you or one where you filter all difficult decisions through. Look for some of your behaviors that support this value. You might see where some values actually “ladder” under a more overarching value. For instance, if social justice is a value for you, consider faith or spirituality as an overarching value. Likewise, stewardship along with service are values that may be forged out of your faith.
Although you narrow down your values to two, they may change in different seasons of your life so check in with yourself when you’re going through bigger life events.
It’s also important to continually check yourself to make sure you’re living into your values. How do we do this?
Think about how it makes you feel inside when you are living into your core values. Do you feel more powerful, joyful, content? When we connect our logical brain to how we feel emotionally, we are better able to know we are inside of our values. If one of your top values is self-respect, you may feel strong and empowered when living into this value. This was very eye-opening for me since I’m a people pleaser. I was not living into my value of self-respect, and therefore my values were out of alignment, and I wasn’t being the best version of myself. I said yes to things I didn’t want to do, and I prioritized everyone’s wants above my own. I had to leave my toxic marriage in order prioritize my value of self-respect, but not everyone has to go to this extreme. If you chose a core value of faith, living into this may look like volunteering at a food bank or committing to a daily time of prayer and meditation. For me, my passion for social justice ladders under my faith so I choose to support immigrants and refugees in various ways.
Another way to make sure you’re living into your values is to use them as a filter for making decisions. One of the reasons we narrow it down to two values is to make it easier to keep them top of mind for guidance. When needing to make a decision, I can ask myself which choice better reflects my core values. And at times, asking myself that question can help me think of another option that I didn’t see at first!
Our Coach partners are trained in creating a plan for living into your core values, and our commitment is to help clients become the best version of themselves! Contact us to see if this is the next right step for you.
Please use this link to get to a comprehensive list of core values.
