Wise Mind
Several years ago I learned about an emotional regulation technique called “Wise Mind” which is part of a therapy called Dialectical Behavior Theory (DBT). The premise is that you have 3 minds: emotional, logical and wise. I also learned that as an empath, I tend to live in my emotional mind. This was not surprising to me since it’s been my pattern since I was a young girl. I love being an emotional, deeply feeling person. I have come to believe it truly is a human super power. Showing up as a kind, caring person is one of my top core values.
When you spend a lot of time in your emotional mind, you really experience your feelings which is a good thing, however, if our mind isn’t able to soothe those feelings with facts and information, our mind starts creating thoughts which make up stories. Stories that can be absent of data, fact and logic. Stories based on fear, scarcity, moods and urges. And as someone who has endured a lot of gaslighting, projection and blame shifting, I have struggled with self-validation. I know many people can track with me on this point. This is why the wise minded practice was so helpful for me. When I notice I am ruminating or having a perseverating thought, I do a couple of things. Like many people, I’m a visual person, so I take out a piece of paper and make 3 columns: emotional, logical and wise.
I’ll give you an example. In order to control our finances, my ex husband invaded my mind with thoughts that I wasn’t smart enough to understand how to manage our assets, and I was careless around spending money. Both points are unequivocally untrue, but during my marriage and divorce I had so many doubts because of his messaging that my emotional stories aligned with his thinking. Here is my breakdown:
My emotional mind:
I’ve never been strong in math and budgeting so I won’t be able to manage my assets.
Maybe I am not thrifty enough to live within my budget; sometimes I lack self control.
My daughter has special needs, and I have no idea how to plan a secure financial future for her. This is so risky and I’m afraid I’ll fail her.
My logical mind:
A budget will be important, and I will need to create one and live within it’s parameters.
I am a learner and I managed a budget in my past employment.
Special needs planning is complex so of course it’s not my area of expertise. It makes sense that I should ask for help.
My wise mind:
I can add someone to my support team to come alongside me and help me create a reasonable budget which I can easily track.
I have lots of evidence of shopping for sales and living within my means when I was working and spending my own money. I have never had the opportunity to have a budget because I was given an allowance that wasn’t agreed upon by me so I have no evidence that I can’t live within a budget.
I have a lot of people I know in the autism community and many resources to find the right trust attorney to make the best decisions about a special needs trust.
I just created a template to soothe my own feelings and better self-validate because I connected them to the wise actionable mind space. I further honored my feelings by validating them with all the truth I have. It didn’t happen overnight. It took time develop this practice, but bit by bit, I reclaimed the power that my ex attempted to take away from me all of those years. I’ve used this practice when faced with lots of emotional stories. I have used wise mind with my clients, family and friends. This is a tried and true practice for me. My practice has now advanced from a template to waking up every day and asking the question “What would my wise mind say to me today or about this issue?” Once she tells me, I believe her, and I take the next right step to living in my wise mind.
If you would like to talk more about the wise mind practice or other emotional regulation techniques, please don’t hesitate to reach out for a complimentary consultation.
