The Thing About Hope

Hope is a beautiful thing. It evokes good feelings of expectation and desire. But I think there is a tricky side to hope. The German Philosopher Friedrick Nietzsche’s famous quote about hope stops many people in their tracks: "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man"?. Quotes often require context to understand how and why the message is being delivered. Nietzshe observed the fundamental self-betrayal of the human race to use hope as a way to offset the reality of a social and political system that marginalized people without power.

As a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, this speaks to what I so often observe as I partner with clients to build awareness around their relationship with a narcissist. Narcissistic relationships are systems where power and control are used to dehumanize another person. We know the cycle of abuse involves a narcissist love bombing their target as a way to work into a position of control. And we also know to keep that control, a narcissist will use the psychological tactics of devaluing and discarding. As I’ve discussed in other posts, this carrot and stick approach is toxic because it leads to a person’s nervous system becoming so used to this treatment they become what we call trauma bonded. You can read more about this concept here.

The Trickiness Of Hope

So this is where hope enters in. I have observed how hope continues to enter into this trauma bonded cycle. In my 25 year marriage, I can reflect on many times I would be hopeful that there would be change; that my husband would see my value, acknowledge my worth, and learn how to love me. I also see this pattern in the clients I work with. There is no shame in this. Of course we go to the well of hope when we are trying to save a relationship. But in a narcissistic relationship, the well of hope is always dry time and time again. And in this context I can understand Nietzche’s quote.

How Do You Perceive Hope?

I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting this awareness lead to a certain end to the narcissistic relationship. What I’m suggesting is to first notice for yourself how you perceive hope in a toxic relationship. Do you constantly find yourself being shocked when hope is shattered? This is where hope can be tricky because is it real hope or misplaced hope? When we are hoping for something that by the nature of its being is not going to happen, we may just be setting ourselves up for more pain and a pattern of blaming ourselves each time it happens. When we have misplaced or false hope, we go into the interaction with a narcissist looking for them to be different from who they are. But that is who they are, so we are constantly setup for hurt. It’s normal to believe that our partners will be interested in our feelings and also interested in understanding our boundaries. But that’s not who narcissists are.

So I think in the context of a narcissistic relationship, the concept of hope can be a barrier to our own healing. If we decide to stay in relationship with a narcissist, at least for the time being, we can take a different lens on hope, the lens of focussing on our own healing by learning how to set boundaries and becoming less codependent.

Please reach out if you want to focus on removing barriers to your healing.