The Dark Side of Gratitude

All of us have heard a variety of things, many from people who love us, that can have the unintended consequence of leading us into feeling ashamed of our feelings, or unheard or unseen. Everything from:  ‘Don’t worry, you should feel grateful that you have a roof over your head’; ‘Please don’t cry, I bet you’re so grateful your cancer isn’t stage 4’; ‘Don’t feel bad, I’m sure you didn’t get that job for a reason. Be grateful for the other opportunities you have.’ Even the people in our life that want the best for us can feel uncomfortable with our feelings. Trying to neutralize our feelings by shifting to gratitude is a common practice

The problem with this is it labels emotions that we feel as negative. Anger, sadness, disappointment are not harmful, they are a part of who we are and necessary for survival. If we have been taught that gratitude cannot exist with other feelings, we may come to think it’s shameful to feel these other genuine feelings and that gratitude cannot coexist with other emotions.

Like many of us I’ve had a difficult year with many emotions. I’m trying to view my gratitude as one part of my experience. I’ve been working at making space for all of my emotions; literally space and time to let myself feel disappointment for instance and to get curious about it. I can then validate my feelings knowing that it makes sense that I feel this way. Other times it is helpful for me to process my difficult emotions with a couple of people who truly see me and hold space for me to work through my feelings.

We can feel and do hard things. And we can be grateful for many things at the same time! So let the light back in to Gratitude!

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