Supporting my child’s emotional well-being in a toxic family system.
A lot of us have heard the airline safety instruction ‘put on your own oxygen mask before putting on your child’s’. This same instruction is relevant imagery for helping our children with their dysregulated emotions while we are also feeling dysregulated. We may think we are protecting our child by hiding our emotions from them and not talking about their hard feelings for fear of making things worse. Although that may feel better in the short term, it actually makes it worse for both of you. We are designed as humans with emotions that need to be felt, looked at, and processed. Just as we might notice an open wound on our arm that needs attention, the same thing is true for all of our feelings. Meaningful connection is built for both you and your child when you invest in an emotionally supportive relationship.
Brene Brown, researcher and author defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." - Atlas of the Heart
Here is a way to get started:
When you're feeling emotionally dysregulated, stop and take several long, deep breaths. This will allow you to start calming yourself while creating a little space for you to center and be able to engage with your child in a very present way. Deep breathing is the fastest way to calm our central nervous system when we're in fight or flight mode. We're physically designed for survival when we experience a threat, and we're also designed to reset to our baseline.
Before trying to process the emotion with your child, truly see them in their emotion and acknowledge how they feel. If it’s sadness, tell them you can see how sad they are.
Validate the emotion as part of how humans are designed. It’s normal and healthy to feel all of our emotions. Emotions are our flags to pay attention. Become an emotional scientist and get curious with them by asking questions: What are your emotions telling you? Where do you feel the emotion in your body? Helping them connect their emotions to their physical body will teach them how to validate and trust their own emotions in the future, and how to get back to a place of regulation. Feeling and processing their hard emotions is a sign of strength and bravery and should never be stigmatized as shameful.
Help them to step out of their emotions by labeling what they’re feeling. “It sounds like you’re feeling angry. Maybe you’re feeling sad and rejected.” The more expression we can use to label the emotion the more we can help them move through it.
Help them to see their emotions as sign posts to their values. What are their emotions signaling? If they’re feeling rejected, their values of inclusion and kindness may feel violated. So how do they want to be included? Who are the people that make them feel that way? What are the activities they want to be included in? How can they be kind to themselves and move into arenas where they can feel more included. You’re establishing a psychologically safe space for your children to be vulnerable enough to be honest and process their hard feelings now and in the future.
Move through the emotion by asking what support they need and what they can do to calm themselves when they're feeling dysregulated. Talk about what they can do to advocate for themselves when people don't honor their values.
Create a road map for helping them understand how put their oxygen masks on when they are feeling dysregulated. A coach can help you identify how you can best support your child. Visit our contact page to reach out.
