What Is The “Spin Cycle” of Narcissistic Abuse?
While most of the time we think a spin cycle is a washing machine setting or the name of a cycling class, a spin cycle can also be synonymous with describing an emotionally abusive relationship. Specifically speaking, narcissistic abuse.
Think of it this way, you’re in a relationship and noticing a lot of repeating patterns going. It can feel like a tornado of pushing and pulling with your significant other that leaves you feeling upside down. All in all, you’re trapped in the upending vortex of love bombing and devaluing. It’s completely exhausting.
This is the spin cycle of narcissistic abuse. It’s dangerous. A cycle like this can spit you out without notice or care. The patterns don’t feel like those in a in normal, healthy relationship. When healthy partners argue, partners aren’t left feeling confused, dizzy and crazy. And with a narcissistic partner, the cycle can repeat numerous times as they draw their target back in when there is still more supply (regaining power and control) to gain.
The Phases Of A Narcissistic Spin Cycle
There are several phases, or states, of a narcissistic spin cycle. Initially, it can feel like everything is almost too perfect. In the end, it feels like the end of the world. It’s important to be able to recognize the warning signs of psychological and emotional abuse and learn how to deal with them before getting pulled into the spin cycle.
Phase 1: Idealization
The period of idealization or “love bombing” can often feel too good to be true. And it often is. Normal, healthy relationships are usually characterized by compromise, boundaries, and respect. Putting someone on a pedestal, making them feel like the idyllic partner, meeting all of their wants, showering them with gifts or trips is often a sign that there is some other motive going on behind the scenes. A narcissist’s strategy is always psychological in nature. They know that once you’re hooked, you start to become indoctrinated into their power and control structure.
Phase 2: Devaluing
Once the narcissist knows you’re inside the power structure and you try to ask them for some of the power and control or just normal autonomy in the relationship, the dizzying patterned state of devaluing sets in. They begin to find fault in their target to make them feel weak and powerless. This creates a veil of control over the victim. The narcissistic abuser may begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue his or her significant other. This takes many forms including:
Putdowns
Gaslighting
Projection (attributing their own unacceptable characteristics onto you)
Withdrawing affection
Disappearing from contact
Using the silent treatment
Blame shifting (blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues)
The devaluing period causes many targeted individuals to become fully indoctrinated to the abuse, which chips away at the victim’s sense of self, core values, and beliefs. The victim often feels trapped, isolated, and worn down.
Phase 3: Discarding
The Narcissist may or may not try the tactic of “hoovering” (love bombing repeat) to bring the target back into the spin cycle. If hoovering is no longer successful and the target starts asking for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, and boundaries, the narcissist may decide that the target has lost his or her luster and needs to be replaced. The victim is no longer the source of supply and as a result, the utility of the victim has ended for the narcissist.
Inevitably, the discarding occurs when the person with narcissism either disappears or orchestrates his or her own abandonment by engaging in some form of egregious emotional abuse. The outcome is often shocking for the abuse survivor, unclear as to how someone that he or she fell so deeply in love with could treat them so cruelly and throw it all away.
You Have Resources To Heal
In the end, just like the setting on your washing machine, the spin cycle of narcissistic abuse extracts so much out of us. Getting support and better understanding your situation is why we’re here. We know that this type of abuse has taken away your ability to self-validate. When that happens, it’s important to find a validating community so you can begin the healing and restoration process. Eventually, you will be able to validate yourself and reclaim your power. We can partner with you to help you understand what’s happened, regain your balance and help you gain tools to stay out of future spin cycles.
Let’s leave spinning for washing machines and exercise class! Get in touch for a private, no commitment consult today. Visit our contact page to reach out.
