Narcissists: Masters at Building False Narratives

I didn’t see it coming. After I made the decision to leave my narcissistic partner, I walked, what I thought was, a straight line to divorce. After all, my ex actually told me he wanted a different kind of wife. When he spoke those words, as we approached our 25th wedding anniversary, my house of cards fell to the ground. I no longer thought about trying. I just saw it as a “get out of jail free” card. My mind and body were both done and I was beyond ready to get out. 

What I didn’t realize at the time was although he didn’t want to be in the marriage, he intentionally was not using the word ‘divorce’ so he could start to build his narrative. Before we had a chance to tell our son that we were getting a divorce, he went to his workplace and told him I wanted the marriage to end. And when we sat down to tell our daughter, he never said a word, I told her we were getting a divorce. And then he followed her out the door as she broke down. That was it, I was officially the terrible partner and parent. His hands were clean. He never spoke a word or used the word divorce so he could tell his family, friends and bible study class that he never asked for a divorce. Literally, that is accurate. He was a master at building a false story around a seed of truth.

That was just the beginning of the false narrative.

A couple of weeks after the kids knew our marriage was ending, my son asked me to go to dinner. My son and I had a very close and loving relationship. I wasn’t equipped to realize the psychological and emotional toll my child had sustained while growing up in a narcissistic family system: don’t ask for much, don’t expect to be seen or heard, don’t expect to get attention, praise or encouragement, take the narcissist’s side or face retaliation, don’t rock the boat, and fit in even when you have to go against your beliefs or lie to do so. While we were at dinner, my son brought up the divorce. He said, 

“Mom, I’ve seen the settlement offer Dad gave you. It’s good, you’ll be fine. And if you don’t take it, I won’t be able to talk to you until the divorce is over.”

Obviously, my ex’s coercive control was wrapping around my 18 year old son. He was becoming a pawn in our settlement and he was beginning to believe his father’s false narrative about my worth in our family. My ex devalued all the roles I played as a wife and mother and my worth boiled down to what financial value I contributed to the family. Even though I worked, paid many household bills, and was there to be the involved parent when our children finished their days in school, I did not contribute to our overall financial portfolio. My son succumbed to the emotional and psychological manipulation and adopted this narrative about my worth. I don’t understand the pathology behind how my son was indoctrinated into this; whether it was trauma bonding or fear of his father abandoning him if he didn’t take his side. And I know my son knows I am the safe parent who will love him no matter what.

Six months into our settlement talks, my son had become as toxic as my ex, parroting his narrative almost word for word. My son had stopped talking to me or responding in any way. In his last text, he called me a “liar and a thief", words his father used in an email to me.

My head was spinning, my heart was breaking, and my anxiety was rising. Dealing with this new level of toxicity left me angry, scared, and full of self-doubt. I now know these reactions were just want my ex wanted. His false narrative was embedding into my son and it was his hope that this toxic strategy would wear me down. Power and control are the bedrock needs of a narcissist. Bringing his child into the toxic cycle to hurt me felt second nature to him.

I knew I needed support when it came to dealing with my son’s behaviors and the false narrative my ex had created. Engaging with a coach who specialized in alienation, I was able to learn ways to keep connected to and interact with him while staying out of this new toxic cycle. I am now able to look forward and stand in my power as a mother. 

We can help you work through the false narratives, barriers and hard things the narcissist puts in your path. Visit our contact page to reach out.