The Underbelly of the Narcissist -Enablers and Flying Monkeys
We’ve all heard or made the statement “I don’t want to take sides”. Normally, that is a healthy and understandable position to take. Disagreements occur between 2 people and both parties have their own truths, hurts, feelings and narratives.
But taking a side presumes there is an equivalent to each side. This is a false equivalent when there is a toxic person involved. In a psychologically abusive, narcissistic system, there is the abuser and the target. By not taking a side, you are always landing on the side of the oppressor and the target may suffer secondary abuse. Another byproduct of not taking a side is that the spinning, toxic cycle gets strengthened because the narcissist keeps their relationships intact. They never have to be accountable for their toxic behaviors.
There are two types of people who support narcissists
Flying Monkeys - The term ‘flying monkeys’ is another way of saying ‘abuse by proxy’. The term was coined after the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz who were under the spell of the Wicked Witch, sent to do her bidding against Dorothy and her friends.
The narcissist employs someone from their circle of family and friends to do their bidding and aid in securing the narcissist’s narrative. This toxic tactic includes sending their monkey to spy on or spread gossip about the targeted victim - flipping the narrative so the narcissist seems like the victim.
A person who is experiencing emotional and psychological abuse may not have the skills or emotional energy to deal with more trauma from the narcissist’s flying monkeys, so this tactic pours gasoline on an already flaming fire of feeling crazy, fearful and isolated. And if children are involved, you might imagine the confusion and fear they feel when their own family members are making up lies about the targeted parent.
And then there are the
Enablers - Enablers want to wear “blinders”. They may have great experiences with the narcissist (especially if the narcissist is covert) so they try to maintain their relationships by staying neutral and not taking a side. Even if they have directly witnessed disrespectful, controlling or abusive behaviors towards the target, they either don’t want to jeopardize their relationship with the toxic person, or they may worry that calling out toxic behaviors could make them the newest target of the narcissist’s toxicity. And there are still people who don’t have an understanding or a belief about abuse if it’s not physical in nature. Not validating psychological and emotional abuse creates more harm and chaos for the target.
I know, I had to walk away from a best friend because of her desire to not call out the abusive behaviors of my oppressor. My friend was not able to truly see my pain and validate the toxicity of the narcissist’s behavior. I felt like it was secondary abuse and one more loss.
So how do you deal with the flying monkeys and enablers in your life? Here are a few options:
Never try to explain yourself to someone who either heard or believes what a flying monkey is telling them. It just perpetuates the cycle. Instead consider asking the person what they know to be true about you and how they’ve experienced you as either a friend, family member or coworker. Engaging someone’s critical thinking skills is the best way to put a stop to the lies and manipulation. It’s easy to believe someone’s lies or gossip but it’s much harder to believe this when a person can recall their own specific experiences.
Never engage in the same toxic behaviors as the narcissist. Stand firm in your own core values and power and the truth will eventually come to the surface. This is a time to prioritize your own self-respect!
Trust your own instincts when it comes to keeping a relationship, taking a break from a relationship or ending a relationship. Self preservation is key to healing and it may not serve you in your healing journey if your continuing to feel unseen and unsupported by an enabler. Continued contact may also trigger you emotionally sending you back into a traumatizing cycle. Put clear, strong boundaries in place to protect yourself. Boundaries are not rude, spiteful or mean. Boundaries are an active way to take care of yourself. Trust what your mind and body are telling you.
Reach out if you want to talk about your specific situation in order to better empower yourself as you face these challenges.
