How to Deal with Narcissism
The word narcissism has been around since 1898 and was identified as a mental disorder defined by pathological self-absorption. There are many additional symptoms of narcissism including a lack of empathy, difficulty with attachment, excessive need for admiration, and a strong need for centralized power. Narcissism lives in systems everywhere within society: families, friends workplaces, friendships, and political regimes. Although the behaviors and patterns of narcissism have been entrenched in our society for all the years in history, more attention is being paid to it now because of the overt narcissistic behaviors of our world leaders. The insatiable need for being at the top of the heap, having supremacy over other groups, allowing no space for other’s values or beliefs, no sharing of power, the black and white of ‘I’m right, you’re wrong”, and leaving no room for multidimensional conversations.
All of those behaviors are forms of gaslighting and they can show up in world systems and the individual systems of our lives. These are the most insidious, painful, and disorienting patterns we have to deal with.
How Do We Handle Narcissism?
When it’s happening at our dinner tables, work meetings, or even holiday gatherings with family and friends it’s imperative we protect ourselves. Self-preservation is our biggest tool. When we’re able to recognize what narcissistic behavior looks like, we can make better judgment calls to navigate the situation.
Know the Warning Signs
Start to gain an understanding of these dizzying patterns so you don’t blame yourself. Getting validation is key to planting your feet firmly back on the ground and learning tools to help remain steady in the face of the tactics of narcissism. There are many resources available to inform you of narcissistic behaviors, patterns, and abuse. If you’re looking for extra information on gaslighting or narcissism, check out our resources page.
Taking a deeper dive into what’s going on in your system can be very helpful as you try to get out of these psychologically and emotionally abusive spin cycles. If you’re unsure of whether or not you’re dealing with a narcissist or being gaslighted take our Toxic 12 Quiz.
Honor Yourself and Your Values
Don’t abandon your emotions or excuse your needs. You may not even realize you’re doing this because you are holding up your house of cards in order to keep the peace. Abandoning yourself will catch up with you at some point, which may look like a mental or physical illness. Our bodies give us signposts along the way and paying attention to them will help us avoid a crash of our body systems. A first step in honoring yourself could be setting and maintaining a boundary.
For instance, say you’re at dinner and a subject comes up that goes against your values. You hold the power and can set a boundary by simply saying that the subject is not something you’d like to discuss at the dinner table and save it for a later time. If, after setting that boundary, the topic is pushed you will need to be ready to excuse yourself from the table and enjoy your meal in peaceful solitude. Setting a boundary for the first time can be scary, but worth it in the long run.
You can never count on a narcissistic person to honor your boundary. Toxic people will refuse to respect your boundaries, thus helping you know who to surround yourself with and who to separate from.
It’s OK to Disengage With Toxicity
Once you’re familiar with the warning signs of narcissism and can recognize when you’re being gaslighted you become empowered to stop fueling the fire. Toxic cycles stay in place because we continue to engage and this gives the abuser “fuel” or “supply” so they remain intact. The next time you’re in a toxic situation, become aware of your emotions and reactions so you can disengage.
Awareness is the first step to gain insight into how you give away your energy. Do you instantly defend yourself when you feel like you're being gaslighted? A few ways to begin disengaging with narcissism could look like this:
Work to regulate your emotions. Creating a pause between the gaslighting and your reaction gives your brain time to digest what’s actually happening and how you feel.
Practice how you will disengage from the interaction. Instead of getting defensive and fighting the distorted reality, repeat a conversation ending phrase such as “I don’t have anything else to add to this conversation”. Or “I hear what you’re saying”. When you better regulate your responses the supply or “fuel” starts to get cut off.
If the cycle doesn’t change right away, be patient. Abuse patterns don’t develop overnight and will take some time to dismantle.
Take the Next Step: Ask for Help
If you’ve tried all of the above and still need help, finding someone to hold space for your experience is a great tool. Talking to a professional not only helps you process your situation but grants you the validation you need. Confiding in friends and family is a great place to start, but can often become an exhausted resource because they can discount your experience, often without being aware of it. This is because they don’t see how the narcissist is abusing you - a covert narcissist presents a completely different self to other people. When you work with a therapist or coach, you’re equipping the right tools to heal and move forward. Should you feel talking to a professional is the best next step, Spin Cycle Coaching is here for you to lean on. Together, we will help you gain the skills to disengage and deal with the narcissist in your life, no matter the relationship or circumstance.
Start your healing journey today. Visit our contact page to reach out.
