Should I Stay, or Should I Go?
As every human being is unique, every personal decision is too. Especially the big, hard decisions of life. I asked myself this question many times during my marriage, even googling it as if the internet would unlock the right answer. I have had many clients ask me if I would have left my 25 year marriage sooner if I knew now what I didn’t know then. But decisions can’t be retrofitted. I made decisions at the time based on my own situation, temperament, formative years of development, mental health, etc.. And even though I saw toxic behaviors and patterns in my husband, I had never had language to explain what I was seeing and feeling.
A common language is the foundation for understanding, revelation and power.
I knew for quite awhile that there was something wrong with my marriage. Ten years before I left, I suffered from a major depressive episode. Our bodies keep the score, and without good boundaries and self-preservation techniques, our bodies can say “no more” when we become emotionally and psychologically depleted. I didn’t pay enough attention to the sign posts my emotions were giving me. Through counseling and medication, I was able to make my way back to myself, but it was one of the hardest and most eye opening times of my life. At that point, my children were in high school, one with special needs. I consciously made the choice to stay, all the while keeping a little secret that I would leave once they finished school.
Once we have the vocabulary for knowing what’s going on, there is no “unseeing” what is happening.
During this time, I learned some self-preservation strategies which proved critical as I intentionally navigated remaining in a narcissistic family system. I tried so many ways to “save” my marriage during this time period, but ultimately realized I would need to go back into my small box and allow him to manage me down to nothingness and control me. I would no longer be able to use my voice or make decisions around how to lead my life. When I thought about the rest of my life living with this man on his terms, it felt like a prison sentence. I did not want to live this way and waste another moment of my one wild and precious life.
Another complexity to the question of leaving or staying is considering what’s in the best interest of the children you have together. It’s understandable to want to stay for your children for a number of reasons:
Buffering your children from the toxic behaviors
Coparenting with the narcissist after divorce
Sharing custody and not physically being with your children all of the time
Fear of the narcissist attempting to alienate you from your children
But there is a dark side to staying which should be carefully considered and that is what we’re modeling for our children. Would we want the same kind of marriage for them? Of course not, but does our staying send a message that how you’re treated is acceptable? Will they pick up the same toxic behaviors they see the narcissist using? Will they become codependent in their relationships? Those are just a few of the hard questions we need to process when deciding to stay or go.There are so many other complexities including:
Finances
Shared friends
Entwined families
Co-owning a business
Your own fear, depression and anxiety
Your situation has its own complexities. Working with a coach trained in narcissistic abuse recovery will help you become aware of all the considerations that you’re facing and help you identify the next right step along your path. We will work together to develop boundaries that can be maintained along with other self-preservation strategies every step of the way as you navigate these big decisions. Reach out for a complimentary consultation to see if narcissistic abuse coaching is a fit for you wherever you are on your journey.
