Being in a Narcissistic Relationship: The Struggle of Self-Doubt and Survival

Being in a narcissistic relationship often feels like shock and horror. I found myself constantly confused about my role in the relationship. I knew that to be honest, I had to address the things I said or did that I wasn’t proud of—things that were unhealthy. In therapy, I made an effort to tell the whole truth because I didn’t want our couples’ therapist to think the problems were one-sided. I even shared my own unhealthy actions as a way to "check" myself, wondering if I might be the one at fault.

Am I the Problem?

I’ve connected with many clients who share this same perspective. In a healthy relationship, both partners can self-reflect and recognize when their behavior is problematic. Neither partner feels frantic about needing to understand if they are part of the problem. However, in a narcissistic relationship, the targeted person often loses perspective due to psychological abuse—gaslighting, projection, and manipulation. This leaves them unable to self-validate, causing them to constantly question if they’re the one at fault.

Being in survival mode takes its toll. It makes complete sense that we don't always operate at our best in any relationship when we’re just trying to stay afloat. Targets of narcissistic abuse are often in defense mode, trying to get the narcissist to see something they will never be able to see, because the narcissist believes they’re always right. Narcissists refuse to look in the mirror and take accountability. And if they do admit to being wrong, it’s usually framed in a way that makes it feel like you somehow caused them to be wrong.

Now that We Know

There’s another side to the problem that I didn’t realize until after leaving my marriage. I finally saw how my own reactions to the narcissistic abuse perpetuated the toxic cycle. And here’s where things get tricky: You can choose to leave or stay in a toxic relationship, and we often stay for many understandable, logical reasons. But if you do choose to stay, it becomes crucial to learn how to better respond to a narcissist and develop self-preservation strategies to protect your mental and emotional well-being.

Please reach out if you connect with wondering if you are the problem and want to learn how to self-preserve in a narcissistic relationship.